Friday, 27 February 2009

Day 0 - Stranded in Reality

When I travel I have a tendency of contemplating life, the universe, and everything (for example, why they don't have sarcasm on Betelgeuse - and if you get the joke, consider yourself my favourite). Sure enough, this trip is like any other. This is on a three-day delay.

- home -

Day 0 - My bedroom. Vancouver, Canada. Packing.

Every time it's the same deal: get a new note book, change the way I think - get on a plane, change the way I live. Only it never happens. I suppose it never will. Yet, here I am packing for yet another ill-advised adventure, trying to bring things that somehow define me (A hockey jersey. A pair of earrings. A book. A bathing suit.) even though no thing ever will.

I'm searching for something - possibly myself.

Perhaps it is a hopeless endeavour; perhaps I will never find whatever it is I am searching for. I used to think I was looking for someone, an actual person I could love. Then, I thought I was searching for love - not love in the form of another human being but in the sense of a Big Love, a purpose, a cause I could fight for. These days, I can't help wondering if maybe I'm looking for myself; for this person I lost years ago - the version of myself that could have been.

I keep looking in new notebooks and old photographs for some sign of myself, in big cities and small New England towns where that version of me might have gone. Maybe I'm looking in all the wrong places. Maybe I need to just go home. Home home. And not just to visit.

Yet, I stay put out west, thousands of kilometres from where I once existed. There's nothing keeping me in British Columbia, nothing but stuff. There's nothing keeping me anywhere anymore. Saying I have nothing to live for makes me sound suicidal [which I am resoundingly NOT]; it's simply that I don't feel connected to anything anymore. Like I'm adrift. Stranded in reality.

* * * * * * *

This time I want things to be different. This time I'm going to make it different. First of all, I will be fearless. Then, I am going to just go for it - for all the crazy things I used to get because I was ballsy enough to ask for them or insane enough to go out and claim them.

There's no point in waiting for life to happen.

I know what I want. I just need to be honest with myself.

3 comments:

Jessclub7 said...

I spy a Hitchhiker's Guide reference!

Don't panic - the answer is 42 ;)

mer said...

Too bad the question was "what is six by nine"...

Jessclub7 said...

The Ultimate Question ...