Friday, 20 February 2009

Hockey Rant in Canada (TM) - Celebrity Puck Bunny Mecca

This week's rant (more of a late-night, one-Alabama-Slammer-too-many ramble, really) takes us to my lovely hometown, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada; home of the Tulip Festival, Winterlude, and the Rideau Canal, the longest skating rink in the world. Oh yeah, and we've got some politicians who hang out on a hill and sometimes do dumbass things like call unnecessary elections and threaten to eliminate federal subsidies of political parties (don't ask, you REALLY don't want to know). This week, however, Ottawa earned a new distinction...


Welcome to Ottawa: Celebrity Puck Bunny Mecca

First, Ottawa was graced with country music sweetheart, Carrie Underwood (who I actually think is super-adorable) via All-Ottawa D-man, Mike Fisher (who never quite did it for me, despite his mildly superhero-square jaw).

Now, once-jail-bait-Disney-darling, Hilary Duff, will presumably make a few trips to the national capital [but baby, you weren't traded to Toronto...] to support Mike Comrie, who is back.

(Wait, Comrie hasn't been on our IR list all season?)


What's next?


Some possible scenarios...

Scenario #1. Ottawa's front office trades someone to Calgary for Dion Phaneuf. (BAHAHAHAHA!!!) Her Royal Puckness Elisha Cuthbert completes the trifecta of blonde bunnies chilling rink-side at Scotiabank Place like it's the new Playboy Mansion... Oh, and the Sens get a rocking defenceman who might actually score a few goals or something...

*Mer pauses to revel in a momentary lapse in reality wherein the Sens front office makes even one marginally logical decision and Ottawa has some semblance of a defensive strategy... sigh*

Scenario #2. Paris Hilton jumps on Hollywood's hockey-boyfriend-bandwagon and starts shagging Antoine Vermette or Brian Elliott or whoever.

(Suddenly I find myself thanking God that Vermette has better taste; last time I checked he was engaged to a really adorable blonde chick - the type of girl I'd totally have a few beers and shoot the shit with at the bar five minutes after meeting her.)

In the aftermath of Paris and whoever's inevitably messy public break-up set off by a miscommunication regarding the meaning of the term 'senator,' Paris runs back into the arms of Stavros Niarchos III who has no idea what hockey is, where Ottawa is, or what Paris means by 'going five hole' ...

Is there ANY competition?

(I had to search hard for a good photo of Niarchos; the one of Vermette was the second photo that popped up...)

So what if Stavros Niarchos' billion in the bank... money can't buy abs like Vermette's.

Or biceps.
Or shoulders.
Or hair. (LOVE the hair!)
Could he get any cuter???

No wait, don't answer that...




(Warning: Gratuitous Eastern-Conference Eye Candy)

I've got to come clean: I have a soft spot for Brian Elliott these days.

Maybe it has to do with his whole not- sucking strategy...

Well, except against Vancouver the other night... ouch.

...and Vermette? Please put a shirt on, else someone jumps your bones...


Scenario #3. A certain, suddenly-single octogenarian, still smarting from being dumped by his three favourite blondes in the span of a few months, descends upon Canada's poor capital city to rectify the cosmic impossibility of anyone daring to have hotter bunnies than the Hef.

An epic battle ensues, wherein the Sens Army invades the Playboy Mansion, taking its inhabitants as spoils of war and forcing them into indentured servitude as Ice Girls unless they swear allegiance to Sens Nation.

Hef's harem willingly comply and proceed to make Scotiabank Place the hottest, coolest place on Earth. The term "Puck Bunny" is redefined Center-fold-style making Underwood, Duff, and Cuthbert look like the most wholesome freaking chicks on the planet in comparison.

The most interesting battle in the Northeast Division becomes the Battle of the Bunnies; the Sens, Leafs and Habs suck ass, and no one remembers how Buffalo's doing -even people in Buffalo- because all that matters is that the Bruins are still smoking all our asses no matter what.



Remember when it was worth dedicating time to discussing the actual team?

No? Neither do I... it's been that long. Although I have vague recollections of one year that Dany Heatley didn't make it to the World Championships because he had some big mug he wanted...

In 18 months, my favourite team went from the Stanley Cup final to 2nd last in the league. (Sure, they're fifth last now, but I'd rather have Hedman in a year than a few points now.)

No wonder I'm cheering for the Blue Jackets and the Giants more and more lately...

i miss this guy... well I miss him kicking ass...



Oh, and my living room is officially better than the pub; the pub doesn't have a 6' wide television -- okay, so neither do I, technically, but we have a projector -- SO COOL!!!

9 comments:

ali said...

So -- do you like the trade that just went down between the Sens and the Isles??

Clare said...

Since you brought up Elisha Cuthbert I have to make a PSA:

If you have never seen the movie "My Sassy Girl" starring her DON'T see it. I only got 50 min. into it and couldn't watch the rest, it was horrible. We only bought it because Blockbuster has a buy 4 DVD's for $20 and we had 3 movies we wanted and it seemed like a good 4th movie. It wasn't.

Oh and I love Vermette.

mer said...

@ ali - I don't actually mind it. I liked Comrie, and Capioli seems solid, so we'll see how they pan out. as for the Duffster, I actually think she's a sweetie. I just ALSO think it's freaking amusing that the least glam Canadian NHL town (well, except Edmonton) will have the some of the highest profile hockey-girlfriends in the league...

@ clare - i'll keep that in mind :P

Can I just mention how CUTE it was to see Miss New Brunswick in her snowsuit and a massive CROWN on the Hockey Day in Canada broadcast??? Too cute!

Susan said...

I would be surprised if Carrie Underwood knows anything about hockey. Don't puck bunnies have to know at least something about the game? Since she is from Checotah Oklahoma, she might have gotten to see a Tulsa Oilers game, but they are nothing like an NHL team. Just not the same... She is cute, and very sweet, but I just don't think she is a puck bunny. Maybe the NFL equivalent?

mer said...

Okay, Matsy got all gooey eyed during the tribute to him.


@ susan - Hilary Duff and Carrie Underwood are the exact opposite of actual pucks but the fact that they are getting more press in Ottawa than the team is kind of hilarious...

Val said...

Thank you for not besmirching the good name of my fellow Oklahoman, Carrie Underwood...when you are from OK and the Tulsa Oilers are the only team you have to watch...well, Susan said it all, pretty much (thanks, Susan!)

I was so sad to see Brian Elliott pulled, but completely understood...bah, what a game, eh?

I am very excited that the pens won, and that edmondton and calgary play TONIGHT! Oh yea!

@Clare - thanks for the hot tip about Elisha Cuthbert movies - you have only confirmed what I suspected.

@Mer - you are in the final countdown to NYC - are you slightly beside yourself?

mer said...

@ val - cc was right to pull elliott, esp. after NOT pulling him vs. Van (which I really thought he was going to do) but by then the confidence was semi-shot. although Heater's second was SO lucky and the end of the game was actually really decent because there was that sudden surge of hope.

like burrows' goal just now: 2-2 with 5 min left. go van! (because they're playing toronto - BOOO!)

re: excitement... i should probably do laundry or pack or something eh? or maybe book some of the half-dozen train tickets i need? ... yeah. i'm SOOO last minute.

Susan said...

@ Val--well, the Tulsa Oilers used to be pretty good, but that was a long, long time ago. Time was that lots of NHL players went through Tulsa on their way to the NHL, but those times are over.
@ Mer--we want lots of details about your trip, after you get home and get time to update us. Have fun (like you are going to have a rotten time-ha!)

Susan said...
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