Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Day X - My Life Would Suck Without You

Day X [Day 20, if you're trying to time-line it out]. Heaven. Burnaby, BC. Home (for now).

I got these photos back a while I was in upstate. This is my backyard (in Burnaby). Pretty much literally. Since I don't have a yard, it's mostly the view from right behind my building.

And to think I want to move back out east?

Admittedly, this is home...
Can you really blame me for getting homesick?

To be clear, this is C & L's house in Burnt Hills. This is not the house I grew up in. I wish I had a photo of that house because it's the cutest little red-brick house in the world. It's home though, even though, as I've mentioned before, they are not my biological parents.

Mer and her Mommy. Casey Farm. Narrangansett, Rhode Island. November, 2007.

Sometimes people come into your life and, at the time, you aren't entirely sure why. Sometimes it takes a while for it to become clear why things have happened the way they have happened in life. My life has been nothing short of mind-boggling at times. At times it has felt almost surreal. Sometimes in the worst ways. Sometimes, though, my life has been surreal in the most incredible ways imaginable.

Surreality can be baffling though, and exhausting, and time-consuming. For a long time, half my brain (and heart) has been consumed in attempting to make sense of things - leaving me incapable of fully functioning in actual reality. I hate to use the word debilitating, but that's how it's felt sometimes: like I wasn't fully capable of functioning normally because I was hindered in some way and wasn't quite sure how to overcome it.

At the beginning of my trip out east, I mused that I was searching for something. As I quipped in a bar in Brooklyn, the first full night of my trip, "I'm searching for something - possibly myself."

I saw this in the subway in DC and had to take a photo of it... Still, what I'm searching for isn't God. It's more personal, if that makes any sense.

I have been searching for myself. For ME. For who I'm supposed to be, because God (if such an entity exists) only knows that I'm not who I planned to be. I can't be. But that's okay. I'll be something else. Only I'm not entirely sure who that is. I've been searching for a long time. Over the course of the past few months, I've begun to feel like I'm finding it: piece by piece, I'm finding the answer to the riddle that is my life, my future, my purpose.

The other night, thanks to the coolest people on earth, another few puzzle pieces fell into place. I feel so privileged to have such wonderful people in my life. Especially the people who have become a part of my life thanks through more unconventional means. But also the ones who have no idea this blog even exists. Someday, at some point, I'll thank them (if I haven't already).

I'm in about the best mood in the entire universe right now. When I first woke up today, it was simple joy. Over the past couple hours, thinking about all of this, it's morphed into a kind of deep appreciation of the universe. I feel like the luckiest girl in existence. Again.

Or is it still?


Jessclub7 said...

Wow, that link.

You must be an incredibly strong person. Even if not by choice.

mer said...

If you like poetry, you might actually really like her book 'White Stone' - it's all about Alice in Wonderland.

Jessclub7 said...

I LOVE Alice In Wonderland - Lewis Carroll is from my hometown.

There is a church with a stained glass Alice window. And in the town centre there is a big statue of the Mad Hatter's tea party.

mer said...

shit. that's brilliant. i think that if i can boot up to manchester in Augustm we need to go for Unbirthday Tea *coughcocktailscough*

Jessclub7 said...

Most def.

It is always Happy Hour at my house!

I am actually living in Warrington but I spend a lot of time in Manchester - it's about 20 minutes away. My street looks like Coronation Street - all terraced houses.

Where I live is also really handy for Liverpool, Chester, the Lake District, North Wales. I think that's why I have always come back to my home town, no matter how crap I say it is - and it's pretty crap - because it is so well situated and I have no money to live in Manchester!

Jessclub7 said...

I probably should have added that Lewis Carroll was born in the parsonage of the church with the stained glass window. It's not just some random stained glass!

mer said...

even cooler!