Sunday, 12 April 2009

Hockey Rant in Canada (TM) - Playoff Round Up (+ lots of LATE EDITS)

Hockey Rant in Canada (TM) - Playoff Round Up

Vancouver Giants
IN. [Next Game: Game 6 of the WHL Western Conference Semi Final, Sunday April 12th 6 p.m. Pacific.]
Coming off a truly epic season, where loses were about as common as uneaten cookies in a kindergarten class (or my former university dorm during finals), Giants sweep Prince George in the first round of playoffs. Round two versus Spokane results in the second most EPIC Game 5 of a playoff series. 126 minutes, 5 seconds of hockey. 5 goals. Dustin Tokarski is Vancouver's biggest enemy tonight.

Syracuse Crunch
OUT. By one loss. [Next game: September 2009. Arse.]
I could rant about Columbus being assholes for calling Filatov up but, no wait! I AM GOING TO RANT!!! Who the HELL calls their 18 year-old first round pick from their AHL affiliate where he's playing 22+ minutes and scoring about 25% of their goals, with the INTENTION of scratching him for the during of the playoffs? Filatov could have been in Upstate helping the Crunch make playoffs you jerk offs. Your entire farm team could be getting playoff experience. Instead your top prospect is in Ohio "soaking it all up". My arse. Get a life.

And the league everyone and their mother cares about...

Pittsburgh Penguins
IN. [Next game: Pens vs Flyers. Wednesday April 15???]
It's battle-time Pennsylvania.
I want to rub someone's nose in a first round sweep.
I need to move to Pittsburgh already.
Like last week.
Or sooner.

Ottawa Senators

We are not ready to talk about this.

Columbus Blue Jackets
IN!!! [Next game: TBD.]
There are no words to describe how loud I screamed when they clinched.
There are no words for joy like this.
Unless round one is against the Vancouver Canucks.
Then there will be no words for anything; I'll be too busy hyperventilating wondering who I'm going to have to screw to get into the Garage.

Think about it:


...epic does not even begin to describe the potential this possible series holds...
I may revert to French or Latin for better adjectives.


I am already shaking in anticipation. Sheer terror, mostly, but the we-could-lose-this-or-this- could-be-the-most-unforgettable-series-ever type terror.

If anyone actually busts ass out to Vancouver, I will do everything in my power to spring for their ticket. Alternately, trying to figure out if it may just be cheaper to fly down to Columbus for games 3 & 4. Many questions arise... Do I know anyone in Ohio? (YES!) How far is it from Cleveland to Columbus? (???) And exactly how crazy am I? (Let's not answer that, shall we?)

This series happening is dependent upon the Avs beating the Blues this afternoon. Pray. PRAY HARD. We need Colorado to win or else Columbus plays Detroit in round one. That would be the date-rape of playoff virginity (that probably crosses the blue line into the zone of unacceptability). So pray for Avalanche to win one last game of the season and keep the St. Louis Blues from bumping Columbus out of sixth in the West.

TODAY = Last day of the regular season in the NHL.

Today, if you love the Pens, you are the biggest Rangers fan in creation.

Today, if you love Columbus (or me),
you are the biggest Avs fan this side of Kentucky.

Today, if you love the Giants, you are praying
for Sexy Glove Saves Galore in Game 6 of the Giants-Chiefs series.
Chiefs are up by a game in the series.
Please, PLEASE -Kane, CPZ, Blum- PLEASE win.
I want to go see Game 7.
I'll bring sparklers.
I'll write you haiku.

(thanks to Kylie, for making me cry, damn her)

Sid? Mase? Vermette? Letang? In ten weeks, this is gonna be one of you, right?

Is this the year?


Okay. St. Louis win. Columbus is 7th seed. They face Detroit in the first round.

Now, in true NHL fashion, the 2nd seed Reigning Stanley Cup Champion Detroit Red Wings are in the perfect position to get swept by the upstart Columbus Blue Jackets in the biggest upset in the Western Conference.

"Marion Hossa is going to get bitten in the ass by karma and Mase will take over the world."
- Kylie (is my hero)

eff you Hossa
(my first Blingee - thank Puck Huffers for this)

It's going to be awesome.
Kind of like how Dallas eliminated the Duck last year.
And how the Pens eliminated the Sens.

Only the Pens aren't going out in the first round
like the Sens did.
The Pens are going to take the Flyers to school.
And I will enjoy watching them do so.
Especially since it means I can rub someone's nose in it
when the Pens eliminate the Cryers in the first round...
just like we eliminated them in the Conf. Final last year.

MY HEART IS RACING .................

Predicted end to this post-season: Mer suffers a myocardial infarction when game 7 of a Pens-BJs SCF goes into OT.

detroit killer bunnies

You will go down in history as the best rookie goalie ever.
I almost wish that was an exaggeration.
But it's not.

You're so hot, you don't need Blingee.


...eastern conference...

Boston Bruins (#1) vs. (#8) Montreal Canadiens
Predictions: Second-oldest rivalry in the NHL provides serious entertainment for about two days.
Boston drinks a lot. Montreal smokes a lot.
Habs hang on for six games. CA-REY! CA-REY!
The Price is not right. But, thanks for playing.

Alex Ovechkin (#2) vs. (#7) New York Rangers
Predictions: Washington wins in 5 games.
Ovechkin pulls some ridiculous stunts.
CNN spot on Obama playing shinny with Ovie, Semin and some White House aides outside 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Martin Brodeur (#3) vs. (#6) Carolina Hurricanes
Predictions: Eric Staal joins Team Canada.
Martin Brodeur tells Hockey Canada to call Luongo or somebody; he's not done yet.
Zach Parise receives 5,937 marriage proposals per goal.

Battle of Pennsylvania
Predictions: Tyler Kennedy elected President.
Danny Briere cries on TSN.
Pittsburgh gives Geno Malkin the Key to the City.

...western conference...

San Jose Sharks (#1) vs. (#8) Anaheim Ducks
Predictions: Ryan Getzlaf rooms with Heatley in Bern.
The ice melts in OT in game 5 because it's too hot for playoff hockey in Cali-freaking-fornia.
The President's Cup is the hardware San Jose sees this season.

Detroit Red Wings (#2) vs. (#7) Columbus Blue Jackets
Predictions: Marian Hossa's master-plan backfires.
Steve Mason takes over the world.
Nikita Filatov wishes they'd just let him go to Switzerland.
Sweden wins gold at the 2009 World Championship, even without Daniel Alfredsson in the line-up.

Vancouver Canucks (#3) vs. (#6) St. Louis Blues
Predictions: Canucks take it in 4 games.
Vancouver runs out of beer.
Kyle Wellwood proves, once and for all, that even marginal talent can be resuscitated simply by leaving Toronto.

Captain Serious (#4) vs. (#5) Calgary Flames
Predictions: Jonathan Toews tries to out-serious Iginla.
Tazer succeeds.
The Red Mile quintuples in population.
Blackhawks take the series in 6 games.
Everyone is kind of shocked, even if they are the higher seed.



1st Star -- Baby Kane.
2nd Star - Mr. Wright.
3rd Star - The boy who's bringing Sexy back!
(to Vancouver for Game 7 on Tuesday night)


Lauren said...

It takes approximately 2.5 hours to drive from Cleveland to Columbus...and I have a ridiculous amount of family and family friends who live in that area - free place for Mer and Lauren and Ky and Ali to stay!

Seriously, I almost think I'm more excited for the BJs than I am for the Pens - simply because this is their first playoff run and while we're hungry for another one, the Penguins have already gotten to celebrate 2 Cup victories in my lifetime. But then I also think about the amazing turn-around the Pens made this season, and I'm so proud of them! But then I'm back to thinking about how freaking amazing Steve Mason is - basically I'm torn. I just thank the hockey gods that the Pens and the BJs aren't in the same conference, so I can still cheer for both of them, at least for now...

Susan said...

I is killing me to root for the Rangers today. Yuck! I promise I will root for Columbus until they meet the Pens in the Cup finals. It should be an interesting finals.
And, USA women beat Canada for World gold today. Vancouver 2010===Wow!

Val said...

As usual, Mer, you hit everything write on the head. I didn't realize the importance of the avs winning today, but now I know, so go avs for sure!

If you women don't get your butts to Cleveland to see those BJS, I'll..., I'll..., I don't know what but I'll do something!

@Susan - there is some, dare I use the word, love for the Rangers in this house because of my husband, and for today, for our pens, I will suck it up, besides, you can't tell me that Henrik Lundqvuist (sp?) isn't a site to behold in a suit on skates...?

ali said...

Wilmore, KY -> Columbus, OH = 3 hrs. 25 minutes...

Oh man, that's barely anything. That's only about 35 minutes more than it takes for me to get to Pittsburgh from my house.

I'm busy this Friday/Saturday, but other than that... WOOOOO!!!!!

Oh man, you guys have really had an effect on me -- I'm ready to go...

Please Rangers, please please please please... win today...

KD said...

@Mer, Lauren, & Ali
You have raised my level of excitement to that of a child's on Christmas morning!


mer said...

@ lauren. you don't know how much my little heart exploded with joy just now reading that.

we're in the clear until the Pens and Blue Jackets meet in the Cup final. Then, I vote we just cheer for EVERYONE. This may be more difficult for a native Pittsburgher, just think about the scale in Nuts it will be if they both make it. You cheer for Flower, I'll cheer for Mase. We'll lose our voices cheering for the winners AND cry our eyes out for the losers. Deal?

@ susan - 2010 will definitely be interesting.

@ val - Kylie's already in for Columbus. I believe the first and fourth comments make clear how infectious utter insanity is.

@ ali - Someone will come kidnap you. Have an overnight bag packed :P

Val said...

okay, Cleveland? Clearly the lack of oxygen to my brain is showing its effects - two words - Easter brunch - so sorry for that!

I am sure I knew that Kylie was in Columbus at some point in my distant memory - forgive me for my lack of attentiveness...

and women, DO IT!

Val said...

I meant *in for Columbus not in Columbus, okay I am leaving right now and going to drink my Easter glass of champagne!

ali said...

@Mer -- Consider the bag packed.

I'm completely okay with finding someone's car, stealing it, and driving myself to Columbus...

mer said...

ali - even playoffs aren't worth grand-theft auto; if you have a criminal record, then how will come visit Vancouver :P ???

ali said...

@Mer -- maybe stealing wasn't the right word... borrow???

After all, a state policeman made me promise that he or his colleagues would never see me again after he caught me doing over 80 in a 65... whoops... I would feel bad breaking that promise...

mer said...

@ ali - BAHAHAHA! and here I thought you were a good girl :P

ali said...

@Mer -- You have to hear the entire story... I had had a Mt. Dew slushy for breakfast, and coffee about an hour and half before this... AND I was super excited about going to the Pens game that night (which was where I was driving to).

As I get my license and registration ready the cop walks up...

Cop: (looks in window at me) Let me guess... you're going to the Pens game, and you're really excited which translates to a lead foot... which is why you're going over 80 in a 65????

Me: Ummm.... Yes sir... I love the Penguins...

Cop: I see that. I'll see what I can do for you.


mer said...

@ ali - that is the best thing I have ever heard!

Clare said...

I'm in for Columbus! Just let me know when and where and I would love to meet you guys!

mer said...


And then there were five.

We are all insane.

I love you.

Susan said...

@Val-I gotta admit, Lundquist is quite handsome, male model handsome.
Oh,my, the Rangers just won. Whoo!

Clare said...

@mer, they are playing detroit so if we still do go (even though they are not playing vancouver, we never talked about if they played detroit), I will be the loudest fan in the building just for them to beat detroit. we are completely insane but I say that makes life fun.

mer said...

@ clare - if I could (theoretically) get tickets to Game 5 of the SCF last year, I AM SURE we can get round one tickets... hockeytown my FOOT

KD said...

I feel a little less pathetic knowing that those videos made you cry, too.

I fully sat in bed this morning with tears streaming down my face after watching them. What else is new?

ali said...

Your "blingee" (is that how you spell it??) is beautiful...

Cheering for Columbus comes so much easier now that they're playing Detroit. I would like nothing more than to see Detroit get absolutely shut out by dearest Steve Mason.

Do it Stevie!!! DO IT!!!! :) :) :)

My thoughts about the Pens having home ice in the first round cannot be expressed in words... just:


(Just FYI: Wilmore, KY -> Detroit, MI = 5 hours 55 minutes. Am I nuts to still be willing to drive it... in the few weeks remaining before finals?? Probably.)

Clare said...

I'm in if we are going to Detroit or Columbus. I went to Detroit spur of the moment exactly one year ago and had a blast cheering for the Hawks at Joe Louis Arena.

mer said...

At least you are the craziest one in the bunch: Detroit is about 2000 miles from Van.

mer said...

Clearly I meant *aren't*

Playoffs may be epic. I may of may not be labeled insane by everyone I know.

Thankfully, I already know I don't care, so I won't lose sleep worrying about *that*.

Jessclub7 said...

Playoff fever has hit!

I wanna go too!

mer said...

playoff fever? it's more like the bubonic plague...

lauren said...

So, remember how I said that I would be cheering for Columbus unless they were playing Detroit? Look at what the hockey Gods did to me.

In happier news, Hossa is almost definitely not going to be back next year, so we can use that cap space to sign other players... hopefully including a goalie.

Obviously I want Detroit to win, but I think it'll be Columbus. We've been on a serious rough streak lately and we struggled against them this year. Either way, it should be a pretty epic series and both Mer and I can have heart attacks. :-)

mer said...

@deets - woah. WOAH! that's intense. After Detroit's out, who are you cheering for?

lauren said...

I'm all for Columbus doing well- Mason has earned it, and if they go far it looks better for Detroit. =P But seriously, I think they'll do really well. Although I have to say that I'm really hoping Detroit will pull it out for me... but history is against them. Oh well.

First round I'm cheering for San Jose because I HATE Anaheim. I'd also like to see Chicago do well.

Out of the East, I like Washington (because I'm kind of an AO fangirl) and Pittsburgh (because I want Philly to lose).