Thursday, 21 May 2009

Just Call me Mer Mer Gabor

I'm freakin' myself out.
Right now, it's second intermission and I've called two goals in this game.

ECF - GAME TWO, Canes @ Pens in the Igloo
Team Jordan 2 - Team Eric 0

I normally don't do game reviews. Tonight I shall, simply because of the epic-ocity of what has transpired. Apparently, my predictive abilities improve under playoff pressure at a similar rate to Crosby's scoring abilities (at least for game opening goals, as tonight was #6 of the playoffs for Sid - CROSBY SU ---- Oh. I guess he doesn't suck so much this week).

The game begins. Canes have won both Game Twos so far after losing their first two Game Ones. They're gonna take this. Captain Fabulous has other plans. Sid scores like two minutes in off a sweet pass from Kunitz.

Pens are up 1-0.

We wish Kunitz had scored, but whatevs, we'll take it, it's a lead less that two minutes in.

A minute and a half later Canes score. Ew.

We're tied 1-1. Ew. Whatever. There's still like 57 minutes of game. WE SHALL OVERCOME!!!

Scramble, scramble, scramble. Cullen gets a high-sticking penalty. Pens PP is nowhere to be found. Clearly, it's in Bermuda shacked up with Mike Green being seduced by his bedroom eyes and sexy tats and having lots of crazy -- wait, there are children in the room!

Our feed keeps cutting out. Versus blows. UStream finally gives us a clear feed! Double-bonus? It's TSN! Before we know it, Geno scores.

Damn straight he scores, I'm wearing his t-shirt tonight! He always scores when I wear this shirt! (Okay, so his assist on Sykora's goal in 3OT of Game 5 of the 2008 Cup final was not a GOAL, but holy SHIT was that assist worth EVER LITTLE BIT AS MUCH as Petr Gun's goal... see also Geno's goals in Games 3 and 5 vs. the Caps, one of which tied it up, the other of which won them the game in OT, respectively. This shirt is blessed. Deal with it Carolina.) Pens 2-1.

Dear Mama Malkin, You're adorable. lovelovelove, Pittsburgh

You blink. Canes score.

WTF? Seriously, they aren't even done announcing the helpers on Geno's goal! It's being like 30 freaking' seconds (25 seconds, Pierre McIWantToOwnTheWild tells you). Screw you Jokinen.

Game. Game. Game. (We're trying to do this from memory because we can't take game notes to save our lives.) Whatever. Sideburn (yeahyeah, I know it's Seidenberg) slaps it in from the effing blue line. Gross. If he was on our team, we'd think it was sick. In the good way. He's the enemy, ergo: GROSS!

Canes are up 3-2. Their first lead of the game.

Captain Siddo goes all angry-eyes. Mad Max looks, well, MAD.

This -->
goes up on Twitter because we all saw how shit went down in Philly when people pissed Max off.

Try me, assholes. Just try me. I dare you.

More game. You hope it doesn't stall at 2-2 for the next 40 minutes. That would be annoying. First period ends. TSN discusses the Staal Brothers Drinking Game some "college kids" have invented, mentioning how their discussing their own discussion is probably getting us all drunker. You feel the need to email them to correct them when they tell you to "Have a good time, boys!" Who the hell ever said girls can't make up drinking games? We are offended on behalf of our gender. Puck Huffers is probably having too good a time eating Hint of Lime Tostitos and drinking beer to know that they're being mistakenly allocated male genitalia in absentia. Then again, they already have more balls than a lot of guys we know...

There should be an additional rule to the game: if your broadcasters feel the need to mention that their discussion of the Staal brothers is causing people to drink, automatic doubleshot.

You make hot chocolate. The Pens could use some. You hope someone is making them some, with those little multicoloured pastel marshmallows in big, ugly mugs from their dad's Alma Mater. If you were partaking in the Staal Bros Drinking Game with that bottle of Skyy vodka, you'd have alcohol poisoning by now. And you're watching TSN, not Versus. Egads.

Second period begins with 49 second left on the PP. The Pens won't score. You know this. You still hope for the best. It doesn't happen. But, the boys keep up their current tradition of scoring after the PP and offer up this little gem.

You see it from the centre line. You're cheering before it goes in. You're also screaming. Your neighbours can deal with it; it's playoffs, for crying out loud!

This is the most beautiful goal on God's green Earth.

Twitter goes bezerk. We're lovin' it!

Thank you. thank you, I'm here all night...

Yes. I know. And I FULLY intend to abuse it all the way to a Stanley Cup victory for the Pens.

It IS ridiculous, but Maxy always listens when I ask him favours. Like that goal 35-seconds-from-losing-the-Cup in Game 5 of the SCF. I wanted a last minute goal. I got one. Literally. I'm kind of in love with his clutch.

If you're rich and you love me, I want a size 50 Talbot 2008 Cup Final away jersey.

Tie game. 3-3. This could go on all night.

Teams trade PPs for the whole period. During one of the Pens' PP's Pierre McDouchebag feels the need to tell you that 7 of the Pens 13 shots so far that period have been on a single PP. Yes. BUT WE STILL DIDN'T SCORE THAT GO-AHEAD GOAL!!!

Then, as the clock winds down in the third period, it happens. The heavens open (as does Cam Ward's five hole?) and God points at #14, "This is your time, Christopher."

Screw the puny little world,

THIS is the most beautiful thing in the whole solar system!

I know I was screaming my head off. It was long overdue, definitely, but mostly I'm screaming because of the email I wrote Kylie a few hours before:

The only part that matters is in brackets as an after-thought at the very end.

Watch out TK, Kunnie's gonna steal your ponies...

Pens are up 4-3 with 8 seconds left in the second. Take that Carolina! You go into second intermission over the moon. Maybe you believe in God. Maybe. Or maybe you believe in some freaky psychic connection with the Pittsburgh Penguins. You're like a really cool incarnation of Cassandra only without being doubted and the claims of insanity and the only seeing bad things in the future... okay, so maybe you're not a thing like Cassandra, and thank Godard for that. (We miss Eric, can he be in the line-up for one game? PLEEEAASE, Disco Dan? He'll be good and hit some guys... and Kylie will love you forever. mkthnx!)

Giddy giddy giiiiidddddddyyyyyy going into the third. This game is ours. You can feel it. Kunitz scored. What more of a sign is ne - FUCK YOU PATRICK EAVES!

Canes score. Patrick, we didn't really like you as a Senator (okay, FINE, you were good) and we hate you now. We find some sick pleasure in the fact that you haven't scored a post-season goal since 2006. When you were a Sen. Sucker. Whatever. Tied 4-4.

This is getting old.

Cullen gets a penalty he shouldn't have gotten. (Admit it, Crosby 'high-sticked' Cullen too...) Our PP is off somewhere, having a great time without us, frolicking on a white sand beach instead of feeding off the energy of a Mellon Arena whiteout.

We are getting desperate.

We need a fucking hero already. The Canes can't win this. Then they'll think they can win the series and, knowing them (the rat bastards, particularly Rat Bastard Cam Ward) they actually might.

This will not do.

We pray for an unsung hero to save us. Mostly we just want to see TK score, because we always want to see TK score, because he reminds of a six year old on Christmas morning when he scores.

Mellon Arena has different ideas. It chants, GENO GENO GENO!!!

Mama and Papa Malkin rejoice.
Pens are up (again) 5-4.

Okayyyyy, we'll take a MVP-Hero... (but we still want TK to score! *pouts*)

Yay!!!!!! Geno!!!! 6-4 Pens.



This is the most beautiful goal in the universe.
(and probably the best goal celebration you've ever seen!)

You begin to hyperventilate. Maybe there is a God after all. If there is a God, he's fucking a Pens fan.

Most hearts (of either teams fans, and possibly players and coaches and trainers) are now pounding in kind of frantic, skipping beats. Like a metronome on a schooner stuck in the middle of a - dare we say it - hurricane? Whatever. We dare. (Bring it Canes, BRING IT!!!) The hammering in our chests? It's irregular. Thankfully the game's almost over. But not so close to over that there can't be more goals. Why stop at 6? Seven is my lucky number. And I still want TK and Letang to get in on the action.

If they actually score, well, ...

And now there's something concrete in it for me (other that eternal bragging rights) if TK scores.
And Mer LOVES her milkshakes!!!
(strawberry, thick as cement)

Blahdiblahdiblah. Third period antics. Carolina's getting mildly desperate. Desperation, it turns out, smells a LOT like rats. And the rat bastards get dirty. Some pushing and shoving. Blahdiblahdiblah... then Carolina pulls Rat Bastard Cam Ward from his little rat net...

This is it.

Tyler Kennedy is on the ice. TK must score now, or forever hold his peace. Doooooooooooo itttttttttt! There is an EMPTY NET, after all.

Everyone screams for joy...

...but no one screams louder than the girl who's been calling this goal since 15:11 Pacific Time this afternoon. It's a scream so loud that it causes the throat to tickle... good thing the game's almost over! ... More hyperventilating and a whole bunch of that uncontrollable kind of laughter that should only ever be heard be coming from some wheezing old man in a mental ward.

Straight-Jacket City.

Okay FINE, we've all been waiting for TK to score (and we've all been waiting for Kunitz to score too) but this still counts as having called it... BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY SCORED!!! 7-4 Pens.

This is the most incredible goal in the whole of creation.

The only thing that could top this game off? A goal from my favourite Penguin. That's right, I want a Kris Letang goal. Part of me knows it AINT happenin'. Darn. But, never one to disappoint, we get the hottest hockey fight ever.

I want TSN's coverage of this. They replayed it like four times. Swooooooon... Droooooooooool... FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!! Swooooon & drooooool some more... oh God... because there IS a God... and she's a hockey fan. And you can bet she's wearing a Letang jersey.

This is nothing short of a religious experience.

(Good thing we've got this game in the bag, because guys keep leaving the ice, and we're probably not going to have have half our roster when they finish assigning coincidental minors.)

le swoooooooooooooon... take me NOW lover! (the kids have gone to bed now, right?)

Consensus: Hottest game on ice. Potentially ever.

Clearly le swooon felt the need to prove that, not only is he a kick ass defenseman who can score and dominate the shoot-out, but he can also rock the throw-you-up-against-the-wall-factor just as well as Dany Heatley, mercibiencherie! Um, Kristopher? Personne t'a douté.

Not. COMPLAINING. Pas du tout!!! He can throw my up against any wall, any day of the freaking week! (So long as it doesn't interfere with his game day rituals because I'll be damned if I'm gonna be blamed for the negative consequences of messing with those... :P)

Now, an apology, a VERY public apology is in order.
My Dearest Loveliest Dany,
As of this series (this game, really), your rightful place as My Favourite has been usurped. You have been unseated. Dethroned like King Edward IV in Shakespeare's Richard III. Your crown has been stolen. Now is the off-season of your discontent... Maybe if you make playoffs next year, you can win back my lovelovelove. I make no promises. You may have to fight the defending champion of my hockey loyalty. Best of luck to you sweetheart, turns out he can really fight.

Sooooooo, when I've done this before (calling goals like Max's in Game 4 goal vs. the Caps), I was doing it flippantly. Tonight I was actually trying to see how much I could call. I called three goals, without a doubt: Max, Kunitz and TK. LOVE IT! Can't really believe it, but LOVE IT!!!!!

A few other things were just freaky. A goal coming out of nowhere: Geno's second. Tanger getting in on the action: if that fight wasn't the VERY DEFINITION of 'action' I have no clue what is. My insane hat-trick premonition. These cannot be counted because they cannot be proved conclusively. And there are things that didn't happen: I wanted Letang and Eaton to score tonight. But in the immortal words of Mick Jagger, you can't always get what you want :P and what I wanted more than anything else was a Pens Game 2 win so that the Canes go back to Carolina as little more than a tropical storm. And I got what I needed.

But can someone tell the Pens to lay off the speed? In the post-game interview, Max sounded like he was so SO amped up, more than seven goals on Rat Bastard Cam Ward can justify. And Flower was clearly on something... although we aren't sure what. We will pay you in cookies (ho'ws a dozen a week for the rest of eternity?) if you can find us a post-game interview with le swooon. Le hair + les bruises + un post game-misconduct penalty attitude = sexiest thing EVER. Just sayin'...

Game 2 Shout-outs
The 3+ point-game Club: Cookie Monster, Daddy Kunitz, GENO.
The first goal of these playoffs club: Tyler Kennedy, Chris Kunitz, (Patrick Eaves, the fucker)

The Almost-Kris-Letang-Hat-Trick that wasn't: Got the wait... no goal, no assist, but le hair broke free of it's hemlet twice in one night. That's worth something...

The SICKEST Playoff Hat-Trick we've seen in, wait, this is the Pens, so like a week, but still Club: GENO MALKIN!!!
The You-Score-Goals-When-I-Ask-So-You-Now-Have-My-Undying-Love Club: Maxime Talbot, Christopher Kunitz and Tyler Kennedy. Also, Kris Letang; that fight so made up for you not notching any points tonight.

And Kylie? I have EVERY intention of cashing in on that milkshake you promised me!


ali said...

One of the best posts ever.

I think Miro should get some points for dropping the gloves too -- I was genuinely stunned... I didn't know he could do that!?!?

Seriously Mer -- the Pens need you on payroll...

I'm going to be at a wedding on Saturday night (who would plan a wedding on Game 3 of the ECF? Yep, a Flyers fan). I plan on finding the hotel bar, pleading with the bartender to turn on VS. and watching the game... I won't be stopped.

Susan said...

What a game! Max scored, TK scored, Geno ruled!! And Satan got in a fight! Joeceff and I just laughed when we realized that it was Satan fighting. And, the Canes looked beaten every time they showed their bench during the 3rd period. Sad.

Kylie said...

Best game recap ever.

Letang turned me to mush tonight. That hair. Good Lord, that hair! An offensive defenseman that's not afraid to drop the gloves and let his sexhair flow freely....SWOOON CITY!

I spent the duration of my friend's bridal shower watching the last Pens vs. Flyers game. I asked to switch seats so I could see the tv over the bar. Nothing will stand in the way of us watching hockey. Nothing.

I fully plan on buying you a milkshake for that stellar peformance. You've said it before...that game was better than sex.

Val said...

I'm with Ali, one of your best posts ever, and I like that you don't take notes during the makes you have posts like this one :)

Wow, what a game, saw mostly highlights, and the last part of the 3rd period, but when the hair is flying on leswooon it is a beautiful thing, and Satan just went up about 10 notches in my hockey book...

Enjoy your milkshake from Kylie! Oh, and I think Dany Heatley will be devastated to know he has been replaced but ultimately will just have to understand that it is what it is!

Lauren said...

I hope this puts to rest any and all residual questioning as to why Lauren has loved Kristopher since way back before it was cool to love Kristopher, when he was just an adorable, yet easily forgettable d-man (Don't think I forgot about you for a second, babe).

Wow, thank the Letang-loving hockey gods for youtube, so I can watch that over and over (and over) again...

@Ali: I was also shocked to see Miro dropping the gloves...who knew he had it in him?

You want to know why I think all of this magic occurred last night? Duff (a.k.a. the Ace of Cakes) was at the game last night! :)

mer said...


thank you.
thank you.
no, really, THANK YOU ALL.

I'll be back on Saturday :P
I'll be tweeting the insanity. I'm aiming for a 66% predictions percentage (like a goals/shots percentage).

I don't think I do requests, but I want to see some ridiculous d-man scoring so maybe Scuderi? Who knows, we'll have to see who brings it to RBC Centre...

@ Ali - If I could go back and add that in at the bottom of the awards list, I would, but the NHL videos make post impossible for me to edit. SORRY! I'll give him a shout out soon though :P

Jessclub7 said...

My favourite thing about Chris Kunitz is the fact that he looks like a lesbian.

Why must I always lower the tone?

mer said...

@ jess - and yet that made me laugh ALMOST as hard as TK actually scoring last night!

I am SO not over this game. This game was epic on a 3OT-Game-5-of-the-2008-SCF or 4OT-Game-5-of-the-Giants-vs.-Tokarksi level of epicitude.

Love. It.

(And Lauren? No one ever ever ever would question ANYONE's loyalty to le swooon. If they did, they are clearly lesbian, or possibly asexual, because I'm pretty sure le swooon could convert anyone.)

Jessclub7 said...

He just looks like that lesbian teacher we all had.

The one who wore sensible shoes.

And liked women.