Friday, 15 May 2009

My Love Affair With the Enemy

Had the unthinkable happened and my beloved Penguins not made it to the Eastern Conference Final, you wouldn’t be reading this right now. The Pens beating the Caps was a double bonus for me. Not only do I get to continue to watch the loves of my life play the best game on the planet, but I can also be upfront and honest about my feelings. Throughout the series with Washington, I tried (somewhat unsuccessfully) to hide my love for a member of the Capitals.

Hey now, it could be worse; I could adore Scott Hartnell. If that’s where this were headed, I’d give you all permission to burn me at the stake. Fear not, my lovelies! There is no Scott Hartnell love to be found in my heart. Instead, I openly admit that I love Mike Green. Please, keep your gasps of horror at a minimum. Thank you.

Mike Green is an easy target, and perhaps that’s part of the reason why I’m so fond of him (we’ll get to the other reasons why in a bit). The lovely ladies crazy bitches over at Puck Huffers enjoy making fun of Mike, and to be quite honest, I like it when they do. I didn’t realize just how much he resembled Joel Madden from Good Charlotte until they pointed it out. Kim and Zoe will not allow Mike Green to crash their nets, but he can crash mine. Any day of the week. I don’t want him getting lonely.

So, I’m sure you’re wondering where this Mike Green love came from, right? It snuck up on me as well. Frankly, I blame The Hockey News. Those dirty rat bastards forced me to love him. They really did. They insisted on telling me how much he loves his mother and how he doted on her 24/7 in the off-season when she had a heart attack. Then they thought I should know that he’s teaching himself to play the guitar. It’s like they said, Here Kylie, try to resist this! Mwaahahaha! You stop doing that, right now, Hockey News! Then, as if that weren’t enough, The NHL Network featured him on an episode of “Day in the Life.” So not only was I force-fed his awesomeness through The Hockey News, but I also got to see it on television. He lost a few points for his flagrant display of tomfoolery with Alex Ovechkin, but redeemed himself and then some by showing us his wicked bachelor pad.

Mike also has a program called "Green's Gang" where he purchases 7 season tickets and donates them to Most Valuable Kids, a non-profit that works with underprivileged kids and active military families. After the game, the kids get to come to the locker room, meet the guys, get autographs, etc. Wow, so he loves his mother and the children?! He’s really laying it on thick, eh?

Now, to the hockey stuff. Monsieur Green played four seasons in the WHL for the Saskatoon Blades and was drafted in the first round, 29th overall, by the Washington Capitals in 2004. During his rookie year, he split time between the Hershey Bears and the Caps. He scored his first career NHL goal against Ed Belfour of the Toronto Maple Leafs on February 3, 2006. Last year, after the Caps failboated and couldn't get out of the first round, he won a silver medal when represented Team Canada in the 2008 World Championships.

Blah blah blah.

Let’s talk about now. On February 14, 2009, he scored in his 8th consecutive game, setting the NHL record for most consecutive games with a goal by a defenseman. This is the kind of stuff that enables my defenseman-loving disease. This season, he led all defensemen with 31 goals. That’s hockey hotness, right there! Oh yeah, he is also a Norris Trophy candidate. I either want Zdeno Chara or Mike Green to win. As long as Lidstrom doesn’t, I’ll be happy. Sorry, Deets.

As a female hockey fan, I feel as though I get the best of both worlds – a fantastic sport and beautiful athletes. While gathering pictures for this post, I found myself on more than one occasion whispering, Oh, hi pretty! to no one in particular. I’ve tried to exercise self-control and resist him, but
Scarlet Caps makes that impossible. Not only does that loathsome website parade the Capitals around like prize cattle at the meat market, it also acts like female hockey fans only care about the sex appeal of athletes. Ok, that’s a definite plus, but don’t treat us like we’re stupid, Caps! I love dirty hockey fights, clean hits, and beautiful backchecking just as much as I like the hot studs. Maybe more. However, any last attempt to resist Mike Green was derailed by the shameless display of his bedroom eyes and sexy tats. Damn you, Scarlet Caps!

Talking about Mike Green like this makes me feel as though I am having a tawdry affair, like I’m cheating on my Pittsburgh Penguins. Throughout the Pens-Caps series, it felt like I was sneaking out of the Igloo in the middle of the night to meet Mike Green at some seedy motel. Hockey shouldn’t feel like this.

I can only hope that Mike Green will one day be traded to a more respectable franchise so that I can buy his t-shirt, or maybe even spring for his jersey. However, no piece of Capitals merchandise will ever touch my body, so for the time being, he is out of luck.

Mike understood the horrible position he was putting me in during the Pens-Caps series, so he decided to do something about it. He knew how terrible I would feel if he scored on MAF, let alone a game-winner or something crazy like that. Instead of making me choose, he decided to not score at all. What a sweetheart. However, he blamed his lack of scoring on some kind of unknown injury or his lack of Easton Stealth sticks. Project for the off-season: teaching Mikey how to act in public. As if he doesn’t get made fun of enough around here, he had to go and ask the HOF to return the stick with which he scored his 30th goal because Easton recently dicontinued his. Really?! Honey, just no. We’ll find you a new stick in the off-season, you’ll keep scoring goals, and you’ll sacrifice yourself when the Caps play the Pens. It’s how life is supposed to be.

He’s obviously quite upset that the Caps are out of the playoffs and I understand. However, he won’t be returning to Calgary anytime soon. Instead, I’m going to make him chocolate chip cookies and meatloaf and red velvet cupcakes to soothe his wounded soul. Even though it’s probably wrong of me, I’m making him watch the ECF. It’ll help him man-up. Also, he needs to feel what it’s like, because he may never get there.

Late Edit

I'm going to tell myself that Mike had a cold and that's where the sniffles were coming from. I don't even want to think about him crying, because frankly, I'd probably start crying, too. A sad Mike Green is not a Mike Green I want to see. He clearly needs a hug and I'm up for the task!


Jessclub7 said...

That 'family' tatt is straight out of prison. Box fresh.

Love it!

Lauren said...

Soooo I'm reading this post on my blackberry and I couldn't see that it was Kylie that wrote it and at first I was completely shocked that Mer was admitting something like that. But now that I see that it's Kylie, I suppose I'll let it slide. :)

mer said...

what you don't think I'm refraining from going all fangirl on Cam Ward or something?

KD said...

So, what you're saying is, you expect crazy fangirl-ness from me, but not from Mer?

I'd be slightly offended...if you hadn't witnessed it with your own eyes. :-p

mer said...

and yet I am the one who posted Kporn...

lauren said...

The playoffs always bring so much hatred to my poor boys... *shields them*

Seriously though, I'll be surprised if Lidstrom gets the Norris. He had a great year, but not up to his usual standard and I think the writers probably took that into account when voting. I'll also be surprised if Datsyuk gets anything other than the Lady Byng, based on his competition. I really hope Datsyuk wins something so he can give one of his hilarious acceptance speeches though.

ali said...

I feel the need to comment on this post, but I really have no idea what to say...

Wow? haha.

@mer -- For some reason the "kporn" is different, maybe because it's Letang... and for some reason, it being "Letang" justifies it... ha

Val said...

Having a deep affection for d-men myself, and especially good looking ones, thanks Kylie from the bottom of my heart...that was one beautiful post about one beautiful man.

You can ALMOST forgive the fact that he plays for the Caps!

Lauren said...

@Kylie: I totally expect the fangirl-ness from Mer too (in fact, I expect it from all women, whether they admit it or not), just not about Mike Greene :) After all, Mer is the one who posted that spectacular display of KPorn.

@Mer: Cam Ward is a goalie. Need I say more? <3

mer said...

@ ali - I suppose the subject can, in some ways, justify the public display of fangirldom. Is it justified because he's a Pen of because he's Letang though? I've forced myself to consider what I will do if he gets traded (part of me would DIE inside), and I think it's going to be a Colby Armstrong/ Dany Heatley situation if it ever happens: I will cheer for him no matter who he plays for...

@ Lauren - I was totally kidding about going fan girl on Cam Ward... and then I saw the clip on Deets' blog where the Canes are all imitating dinosaurs... I could not stop laughing!

JK said...

This is where it starts...first it's Mike Green, next thing you know you'll start admiring Nicklas Backstrom's hair/passing skills, David Steckel's faceoffs and then one day Alexander Semin won't seem that bad. Oh, Semin.

As far as Scarlet Caps, I stay as far away from that nonsense as I can.

KD said...

I already admire Backstrom's hair, but I will never think that Semin is ok. NEVER. That's the point of no return.

ali said...

@mer -- Perhaps it has something to do with him being a Pen... perhaps not. It might really just come down to the fact that he is Kris Letang, and that alone is justification enough.

Although, I must admit, a part of my heart did feel a little pity this afternoon while I watched Mike Green's "exit video" on the Caps website (I don't even know why I was on that site to begin with...). He really looked like he was about to cry. It was actually quite a sad video.

25superstar said...


Kylie said...

A lot can change in two months, obviously. Two months ago, I never would have guessed that we would be heading to the Caps convention in September...