Wednesday, 1 July 2009

And the Alexei Yashin Award for Most Ungrateful Egomaniac goes to...

Today was Canada Day. And the beginning of NHL Free Agency. It gave me headache. Marian Ho$$a, in particular, gave me a headache. So I went to the beach and lay in the sun for about 5 hours. Unfortunately, that also gave me a headache. Then fireworks, which I love. But also gave me a bit of a headache. Mostly, today was just fated to be one big long headache.

Dany Heatley is still giving me a headache. If he hasn't signed something somewhere or withdrawn his request to be traded by Friday at 5 p.m. Pacific time, he better be prepared to have a quiet weekend, because if he ventures out he risks being accosted by me. And I can pretty much guarantee that if I come face to face with him, anything that comes out of my mouth, drunk or sober, is NOT going to be polite, forgiving or necessarily PG13-rated.

things we care about
(please note how I didn't say 'like')

Out: Mattias Ohlund, Jason LaBerbera (sorry, who?)
In: Aaron Rome
Re-signed: The Sedins
Cost: 61,550,000$ over 5 years
Benefit: Nucks might make the playoffs again next year
Why we care: I only care because I have to deal with Canucks fans for the next 13 months and it's infinitely easier when they are happy Nucks fans.

Out: Aaron Rome
In: Mattieu Garon, Samuel Pahlsson
Cost: 10.35M$ over 3 years
Benefit: We have a good back-up if Mase gets injured.
Why we care: My heart belongs (in part) to Steve Mason, and BJs prospect, Stefan Legein.

Out: Martin Halvat, Samuel Pahlsson, Nikolai Khabibulin, Matt Walker
In: Marian Hossa, Tomas Kopeky, John Madden
Re-signed: Dave Bolland
Cost: 84,825,000$ over 12 years (except ~75M$ of that is over only 7 years)
Benefit: Too tired to figure out if there's a diplomatic way to say that Chicago fucked itself royally today.
Why we care: Sororal solidarity with Clare

Out: Marian Hossa, Tomas Kopeky, Ty Conklin
Re-signed: Johan Franzen
Cost: 43.5M$ over 11 years
Benefit: eleven more years of the Red Wings using Johan Franzen to ruin everyone else's lives
Why we care: you know what they say about keeping your enemies close...

Out: Mike Knuble
In: Ray Emery, Chris Pronger, Brian Boucher, Ian Laperriere
Cost: their dignity, if they had any
Benefit: Philly is now a shoo-in for Most Hateable Team in the NHL
Why we care: all the better to hate them with, my dearie... blahblahAtlanticDivisionblahblah... Interstate rivalry is FUN, but mostly we love how A. pretends that hockey doesn't exist after the Pens eliminate the Flyers in the playoffs.

Out: Donald Brashear
In: Mike Knuble
Cost: 5.6M$ over 2 years
Benefit: none if they can't learn to play like a team
Why we care: Sid vs. Ovie is only truly entertaining if the rest of the Caps don't suck ass, plus the look on Ovie's face when he loses playoff games to the Pens is effing priceless. Almost as good as Nikita Filatov's at the 2009 WJC...

Out: Mattieu Garon, Hal Gill
In: Michael Rupp
Re-signed: Bill Guerin, Craig Adams, Alex Goligoski
(Dear Ray Shero,
If you do not sign Robert Scuderi, you will have a world of hate to deal with from your fans. If you have any self-preservation instinct, you will give Scuderi what he asks for. He will be going cheap, no matter how much he is asking. You know it. I know it. He knows it. You want another Cup. I want another Cup. He wants another Cup. Sign him.

Cost: 10.25M$ over 3 years
Benefit: At least one more season of Bill Guerin's family on the JumboTron, get to keep a player nicknamed Gogo for another 3 years, oh, and Bill and Craig can go for Cup Ring #3 next spring.
Why we care: the banner of this blog ought to make that fairly obvious

Out: Mike Komisarek
In: Mike Cammalleri, Hal Gill, Jaroslav Spacek
Cost: 43M$ over 5 years
Benefit: Cammalleri scored 82 points last season. USS Hal Gill is so big he deserves his own postal code.
Why we care: Northeast Division

In: Mike Komisarek, Colton Orr
Cost: 26.5M$ over 5 years
Benefit: Orr = 193 PIM and a minus 15... that's a lot of bang for a million bucks a year, this photo, Komisarek's decent.
Why we care: Um, if you have to ask this question, you are [the rest of this sentence has been replaced by a brief reminder that the author hails from Ottawa.]

And the Alexei Yashin Award for Most Ungrateful Egomaniac goes to... Dany Heatley, for costing the Sens 4M$ because he's a picky, indecisive bastard who's got an ego bigger than the Ottawa Valley.
Re-signed: Chris Neil
Cost: 8M$ over 4 years, and 4M$ payout to Dany Heatley because nothing was signed by midnight eastern time today
Benefit: ~150 PIM and... I got nothing...
Why we care: I wish I didn't.

random things of note

% of players mentioned who switched from one team on this list to another: >25%

# of teams mentioned because I want them to go down in flames in 2009-2010: 5

# of teams I think actually MIGHT go down in flames in 2009-2010: 3

Biggest waste of money: Ho$$a. Seriously, he might be a good player, but all he wants is a championship ring. I will bet anyone who likes a bottle of Veuve Cliquot that he never wins one. I'm also willing to bet that he leaves Chicago within five years if he hasn't won the Cup there. That's an open bet... name your terms...

Dumbest move of the day: that's on Dale regarding Ho$$a...

Fail of the day: Ray Shero. Sign Scuderi. How many times do I have to say it?

Likely scenarios we hope do not play out: Sens suck like an army of Hoovers, Montreal pulls a Tampa Bay and sucks despite loads of individual talent, Boston creams the NE division (again) and Buffalo and Toronto fight for a playoff spot. Vomit.


ali said...

Honest to goodness question...

I've been reading this around the blog-sphere and I'm really torn, so I'd like the opinions of my lovely friends...

If re-signing Scuds makes contract extensions with Tanger and Gonch a difficult possibility what do you do???

I don't even know what to think. I want them all.

I hate this.

Val said...

@Ali - don't know the answer to that other than I would think that pens would really try to keep both Tanger and Gonch, however, they may want to test the waters as well when the time comes...

@Mer - Beautiful...I always wonder after reading one of your dead on assessments of the hockey world why I even bother with mainstream media!

mer said...

@ali - my answer, painful as it may be, is to sign Scuderi for as little as he will go for and pray that Kris Letang is willing to give Shero a discount for a couple years, and that Gonch is willing to maybe take a small pay-cut in order to win more Cups. Honest. I think it will be easier to make a negotiation like that if the possibility of more Cups is really plausible, and it IS now.

Oh, and PRAY to the hockey gods that the cap doesn't go DOWN.

@Val - I am flattered, as always, but I'll never get a job in the media because I am so damn biased. *shrugs* Glad you're entertained though!

Susan said...

Mer, I love this post! You really have a way with hockey reporting and analysis.
Hossa is a Cup whore.
I agree with Ali, I want Scuds and Gonch and Tanger, too. Sorry to lose Gill, but we all knew we only had him for a year. Best of everything to Garon, I'm glad he went to a good team. I was a Blackhawk fan, but Hossa took care of that.

Lauren said...

Reading Peachy is always a bright ray of sunshine in my day :)

@Ali: I'm with Mer - sign Scuds (for the discounted rate he will almost certainly ask for) and pray to Curry in heaven that Le Swooon and Gonch take a discount too.

I don't like think about it though...

And as for the Blackhawks, I'd like to know what they were smoking yesterday. Hossa?! Are you joking?! I already got rid of him once, and now I have to wait for him to burn the Chicago bridge now too (since I don't think he'll stick around if they don't get a Cup in the next few years)

Clare said...

Thank you for the sororal solidarity! The whole Hossa thing makes no sense.