Wednesday, 1 July 2009

Vomit-City and other Effects of Pre-Free-Agency Insomnia

Was feeling all happy-Pens-Cup-win tonight. No real reason. Mostly a knee-jerk reaction to Free-Agency Day later today. Cling to happy things. CLING TO HAPPY THINGS!!!

The severity of Dany Heatley leaving Ottawa is finally beginning to sink in. It feels atrocious. Like someone is dying. Seriously. I would know. The country decided to give us the day off to mourn this horrific event... Also, fireworks!!! But those will be for Shero, who must sign Scuderi DAMNIT!!!

Decided to watch the On Ice and Beyond DVD for the first time. Ky sent it to me ages ago, but I've been saving it for a night when I needed some good distraction (and on the eve of the most gut-wrenching Free Agency period I've experienced since the lock-out, Twilight just was NOT cutting it, crack-like though it may be).

Yeeeeaaaaaahhh... WORST. PLAN. EVER.

First shot: Mellon Arena. Sob-city. Seeing the Igloo is probably up there on the list of "bittersweet" ingredients in my life. More shots of Pittsburgh. CAN I MOVE ALREADY??? This is too hard. Lauren, I totally wish I could fly to the Eastern Conference NOW and not in 38 days.

Within three minutes, I am full-out bawling. I miss Pittsburgh. All of it. And all the people I love in it. (For the record, I don't mean the Pens. They are lovely, but my girls are INFINITELY more important to me than a hockey team. Sorry Kris. Sorry Max.)

Hey Girls? Wanna hit up Starbucks on the South Side and go down to The Point for a picnic? I totally owe Ky lunch at Subway (among other things). Yeah... I wish that was plausible. I miss you all. Lovelovelove and Primantis for lunch.

Stop to sob some more. Back to the DVD.

Marioburgh. 1992.
MARIO. Cup. Glory.
1993. Mario. Cancer. They never say the word. Everyone fucking knows he had cancer. Just say it out loud!!! Is it that much of a TABOO to say Hodgkins Lymphoma??? More tears.

Sidney Crosby sweepstakes. In my hometown. (I was in Toronto, go figure.) Blahblahblah. Action shots. Sid being lovely to fans. Le Love. Watching this is a good reminder of why I based a certain protagonist on Sidney Crosby. When did he get so damn serious? Oh yeah... it was right after he lost the Cup on home ice to the Red Wings. Damn. Maybe Cup-Champion Sid will be Happy Sid again.

Pens are Tank-city in fall 2007. Canadian Western-Conference Tour. Insanity. I remember this. I have the sports page from when he was in Van. The other papers had even more.


Winter Classic Time. James Duthie says it's like Hollywood. No offence James, but this is BETTER than Hollywood.

Sherwood > Hollywood, any day of the week.

Was fine until they got to the part about the trade-deadline. Le sighhhhhhhh... Goodbye Army. I cried when it happened. I got all choked up watching it happen again.

Marian Hossa, I didn't really like you as a Senator. What makes you think I'll like you as a Penguin? Right... and this was before you double crossed Western PA and signed with the enemy. (On the bright side, to reiterate what Max said, YOU CHOSE THE WRONG TEAM. Bastard.)

Got to the point in the DVD where the Pens play the Sens in the first round. Must hit Pause. Really. I find myself cringing because I know who's going to score. And I know who's going to lose. And I don't even really LIKE Darth Gerber and I feel bad for him. This is completely nonsensical. I love my Pens. But I cannot physically bring myself to cheer for them when they play the Senators. I am COMPELLED to cheer for Ottawa, like it's hardwired into me. I could get amnesia a-la-Sydney-Bristow-in-Season-3-of-Alias and still wake up a Sens fan.

I can't even be proud of the Pens for winning that round. I mostly pretend it never happened. It's fucking stupid. Part of me really wishes I could just let the Pens be my #1 team. Only I know they never will be. I am an effing CURSE on the Sens - they have a -19 rating when I watch them!- and yet I cannot NOT cheer for them. Or rather, I cannot cheer for anyone over them. Asking me to cheer for another team over the Sens? It's like asking me to cheer for someone over Canada at the Junior Worlds. I can hate everyone on the team, and I'm still physically incapable of cheering for anyone else.

It's something I cannot physically control. I want to be happy for Sykora scoring that go-ahead goal in game 1. But all I can think is Oh God NO, please NOOOO... and I want to vomit. I'd begun to think that my Pens-love was starting to win out in the all-out battle for my NHL-loyalty... Yup, I was wrong. It just seemed easier because the Sens weren't in the playoffs.
Now I feel all gross again.

As pissed as I am that he REQUESTED a trade, I don't want Heater to leave. I've been in such UNBELIEVABLE DENIAL. Oh god ohgodohgodohgod... I'm going to be bawling if I wake up and he's an Oiler. Bawling. Maybe he'll listen like le swooon and Maxy always do. Or maybe Kris and Maxy listen because we're all destined to be a big Penguin family and have little baby penguins in their daddy's jerseys... somehow it's not as cute a fantasy when I imagine Sens or Oilers onesies... jus' sayin' ...


Fuck. I should give up on the Sens. I mean, I am CURSED. I am like the anti-luck charm. The 2006-2007 season? Yeah, barely watched ANY games because of the douche-bag ex-boyfriend who hated hockey. And they make the effing Cup final, which I miss half off. I watch game 5. They effing lose.

Mer = Sens' biggest bad-luck charm ever.

On the other hand, Pens tank the first half of the 2007-2008 season, then go on a freaking billion-game winning streak when I start watching after Christmas.

Mer = good luck for the Pens.

Logic says that if I really love the Sens, and I want them to win, I should just refrain from watching any of their games. Ever. But really, can I do that??? No. I need my boys in red and black and gold. I need to watch my home-team trounce the Leafs 6 times a year. I need to cheer for Ottawa. Even when they lose. Even when I hate half the guys playing on the team and our front office is driving me to drink. Even when my favourite player ASKS to be traded to the Western Conference. Which should (and does, in all honesty) piss me off. Only, I still love him. I HATE him, but I love him. Because it's just one of those things. He's the favourite. A jerkface scumbag bastard, but still, INEXPLICABLY, my boy.

I wish this made sense.

Back to the DVD.

Stanley Cup Final 2008. I think it will be Vomit-City, but it's not. Maybe it's knowing that there's a happy ending later. Maybe it's knowing that there's REDEMPTION. Maybe it's knowing that Sidney Crosby can no longer say that "one thing Sidney Crosby is not is a Stanley Cup Champion" ever again.

Watch the Game 5 footage. Remembering that game. Third-Longest Game I've Ever Watched. Watch Letang, who looks like a ghost. He didn't dress for that game. That makes my stomach churn. I don't cry. I'm too tired now. I just don't like remembering that week. Why I was SO depressed. Why I was willing to vow to the universe that I'd buy the jersey of whoever scored the game-winner, so long as the Pens won me One More Game. Why I acutally BOUGHT IT when they won that game.

Knowing what I know now, I should have asked for the Cup. That might have made the difference... Letang was scratched, but Max was out there. He usually comes through for me. (As if to prove why HE should be my favourite... Max? Honey? It's working... I want your jersey like you'd never believe. I can't afford it right now. You see I have rent to pay... Feel free to send me one though, if you have a spare game-worn Finals sweater kicking around.)

It's almost 7 a.m. in the Eastern Conference. Sad how I think that way. E. says I should just get a job in hockey already. I wish honey, I wish. Free agency will be a gong show. I am not prepared for anything that does not involve Rob Scuderi signing with the Penguins, or Heatley making SOMETHING resembling an actual decision...

Canada in a Nut Shell: huge flag, in Ottawa, at a junior world's hockey game, with our three biggest international hockey rivals on the screen in the background.

Happy NHL Free-Agency Day, I mean Canada Day. It's gonna be a gong show (on both counts).


Kylie said...

My stomach is in knots already. I don't know if I'll survive today, or how ever long is takes to know the fate of the American Hero.

Lauren said...


25superstar said...

today, stress is my middle name.
free agency SUCKKKKKSSSS

Stephanie B said...

If someone were to ask me what my favorite movie is, I would say 'On the Ice and Beyond.' Lovelovelove. Haha! Oh dear me, I just adore Sidney. My favorite part is when he is in the locker room with those two little boys. (The fact that he is shirtless has nothing to do with it..... yeah right!) I also love the footage of the Winter Classic. And Army... *sigh* Who is now a married man!

Mer, I am a closet Ottawa fan. There's just something about them that appeals to me. I love the city. I love that they suck.

We MUST sign Scuderi!! Ladies, do not worry. He will be signed. I think I am going to go ahead a call it. Rest assured. The American Hero will be with us.