Monday, 3 August 2009

Secretary General of the NHL

We always knew that Quebec was like a little piece of Europe in North America, but I think we all kind of assumed that Quebec was kind of like France's retarded little hick cousin, and not Sweden's long-lost ideological twin.

Because, you know, Quebec was oh-so-politically-moderate when they had those two referenda in 1980 and 1995 to separate from Canada... and when the FLQ kidnapped and killed a British trade comissioner, Jack Cross, and triggered the only peace-time invocation of the Canadian War Measures Act. EVER. No, they're totally diplomatic. DUH!

And yet... TSN would have you believe that at least part of the province would like to prove its political moderation skills... obviously this isn't the GOVERNMENT we're talking about. That would be too much. No, it's a much richer, more reputable, more powerful organization that hopes to show the world what good deeds it is capable of: enter the Montreal Canadiens.

What is going on here? When did Bob Gainey become the Dag Hammarskjold of the sports-world? Is even aware that Bryan Murray has nominated him to undertake such responsibility? Is he okay with dealing with the most over-paid, egomaniacal right-winger in the eastern conference? (Hey, at least he doesn't have to deal with the Suez Crisis, only, come to think of it, that might be easier, they were just fighting over sand and Israeli soldiers...) Does Bob know that his little boys in bleu, blanc et rouge might be used as Shark bait? Does he honestly think he can make it out of this alive, without having his private jet shot down on his way to negotiating a cease-fire? Good luck, Bob. You'll need it. If you need me to call an airstrike to get you the fuck out of there, lemme know, I have mad connections.

Someone warn the good people of Kelowna. They may want to flee the area like Congolese refugees...



In other, mildly related news...

MATS SUNDIN AND ALEXEI YASHIN CAUGHT IN LOVE CHILD SHOCKER!!!
It has been leaked that, on June 10th, 2009, former Ottawa Senators forward, Alexei Yashin gave birth to a son. On top of the shocking implications that this once bitchy player has had a sex change to make him into an actual woman (instead of simply acting like one who is constantly PMSing), the news of his newborn is even more dramatic considering who the suspected father is. The child's greedy, indecisive father is rumoured to be none other than Yashin's former intra-provincial rival, one time Toronto Maple Leaf, Mats Sundin. The squalling, temperamental baby was born, kicking and screaming, by emergency c-section. Little Daniel James Heatley Yashin-Sundin was born at approximately 1 p.m. Eastern Time, weighing 220lbs and measuring approximately 1910 cm. Apparently Alexei is already so fed up with the infant's non-stop attention-seeking wailing that he/she is entering into contract negotiations to have him adopted by a 'family' in California. I suppose the constant reminder of one's own personality flaws is just a little too much to handle on a daily basis? The baby's father is said to have no interest in the child unless he can use him as a tax credit for his 10 million dollar salary, or improve Daddy's chances at securing a championship ring.

math

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