Friday, 24 January 2014

Screaming this from the rooftops seems a little melodramatic....

I don't usually do this, but I've got to just say this so everyone stops requiring an explanation...

I am not well. It doesn't matter what is actually wrong with me. I don't really want condolences. I definitely don't want pity. I just want everyone to understand that if I am going to the effort of Telling You that I am not well, I AM REALLY NOT WELL.

I am getting help. I have a pretty awesome support network. But I need each and every one of you reading this to understand that if I put off making plans, or I make plans but then I cancel, it's because I can't actually handle the stress of simple decision making or because I literally cannot get out of bed because my anxiety is so bad. I'm not off spending time with someone whom I deem cooler than you. No. I'm curled up in a ball questioning every choice I've ever made wondering why I can't seem to magically make my heart all better again. The most productive thing I might be doing is knitting or memorizing every episode of Castle ever.

I am not naturally like this, but enough shit has hit the fan in my life that I have to finally take a big step back and actually deal with all of it or I am going to REALLY, actually, legitimately lose my mind.

So if I cancel on you, if you don't see me out for a few weeks, it's because I'm having too many anxiety attacks to deal with crowds or full sentences. And if, when you do see me, I seem distant or distracted or just a little off? It's because I AM a little off.

And if you care about me, you won't ask too many questions. If you care, you'll try to understand that sometimes there is jack-shit you can do and you just have to wait to see if I'm going to sort it out.

Here's the thing: if you get bored or tired of waiting, you can go. Really. It's okay. There's no moral judgment here. I'd rather not have pressure and you may rather not have the complications of a friend with a laundry list of mental (and physical) health issues. AND THAT'S OKAY. I won't think less of you. But either stay and accept me as I am, or go. Don't stick around and pressure me into being better before I am. Helpful hint: THAT NEVER WORKS.

There. I'm done now.

Keep in mind, I am a brash, fearless opinionated loud-mouth. I am not afraid of telling you all this straight up. Someone else you know may be going through something very similar, but they may never write a disclaimer like this. Please think about this and let's all try to be more understanding of everyone in our lives.


Susan said...

I'm sending you a great big hug. No details needed, I'm just going to wish all the best to you, each and every day. Even though I've never met you in person, you are part of my life and it always makes me smile when I see your posts of FB. :)

Clare said...

Thinking of you! I can certainly empathize.

Kimi said...